It's a rainy (soon to be snowy) January afternoon. I'm sitting here in my office and I should be working, but I have a lot on my mind....
So I will blog instead. I very much enjoy writing and journaling and am ready to start this journey. I found myself in November of 2010 questioning a lot of things in my life, including my relationships. A few things have happened since then that have had me questioning God, sometimes on a daily basis. A lot of the times, the question is, "Why me?". I know that's something that we've all asked at one point or another and I've spent the better half of the last 2 1/2 years looking for an answer.
What I have discovered is this: I don't know the answers to the 'whys' of my life. What I do know and what God has been revealing to me is that He is using my hardships as part of the bigger picture. I posted this on my Facebook page last week, but it is so worth repeating here. In reading Exodus 13:1 through 15:27, I couldn't help but notice the complaints and the general attitude of the Israelites on their way to freedom from Egypt. I can only imagine how Moses felt as he listened to this day in and day out. I'm sure it sounded to him much how it sounds to me when I listen to my 7-year old complain that she has nothing to wear or I'm a mean mom; and it hit me: Maybe that's how I come across to God sometimes. The questions of 'Why do I have to go through this?' or 'What have I done to deserve this?'. This isn't the first time this month that I've been reminded that my suffering and my hardships are all part of a bigger picture. They are being used for His glory, much like the hardships the Israelites faced. Does this make what I'm going through easier? Sometimes, no. I'm only human and my flesh is weak. There are days that I want to wallow in self-pity and depression. And once again God reminds me, either through his Word or that of a friend, to trust Him. There is so much more going on that I cannot see and I serve a mighty God. Nothing, NOTHING is impossible for Him.
In the midst of walking through this valley I have discovered some things about myself:
1. I am much stronger than I ever imagined. I have endured heartache, disappointment, betrayal, anger, hatred and the feeling as if I'd lost who I thought I was.
2. It's okay to seek therapy. I had a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I needed to seek the help of a professional. I think, as Christians, we tend to feel guilty if we don't fully rely on God to see us through our situations; I felt as though I wasn't trusting Him enough.
I still have a LONG way to go. I'm very much a work in progress. I stumble and fall on a daily basis. But slowly, day after day I get back up, brush the dust and dirt away and continue on the road called life. I may not always know what I'm doing and where I'm going, but I do know who holds my hand and guides me every single step of the way.
